for those of you who don't know, i'm moving back to new york. last week was my last at see3 and i'm taking most of february for a much needed vacation. i am in ann arbor right now and having an incredible time. so incredible i've extended my stay by 4 extra days. it's going to be very hard to leave. the past few days have been like some alternate universe filled with unexpected experiences and the reassurance that parts of me i thought were broken actually work just fine. but soon i'll be back in chicago, getting to spend some much needed time with the people i love before i head back to the east coast and that will be its own bliss. 

 i'm a bit of a train wreck. the only thing that varies is whether or not i'm enjoying being a train wreck. at this moment, i'm not. in the coming moments, perhaps i will be. 

everything is so tenuous all the time. life feels like a slim metal rod, like a monkey bar, and balanced delicately across its length are several colored glasses. so delicately are they balanced that they rock slightly, threatening to tip. fall. break. and all of life's little inconveniences and slights (my injured knee, my lost credit card, the way timing is stupid, the detritus of my old life that keeps washing up)  are ball bearings put into the glasses, dangerously upsetting the balance.

still, i try to focus on all the good things, the lucky things. mainly that means the people who have been so good to me. or the things that could be worse that aren't. 

i can't believe christmas is next week. i have absolutely no feelings about it at all.

is it very, very cold in the city? it is very, very cold in chicago and the sidewalks are shiny with ice. a ryan with a busted knee has to slide around with the utmost caution lest he bust his knee all the more! actually though...

 today i was walking back to work from the bank, verrrrrryyyy slooowwwwly, limping at about .1 miles per hour, and this man is walking next to me and he says
"what did you do?"
and i said "oh i sprained my knee or something doing somersaults."
and he said "when did you do it?"
"a week ago saturday," i said.
"do you feel it's improved since saturday?"
"yes..." i say, and am starting to be like, who the hell is this guy who is know walking at the same crawling pace as me so he can ask me about my knee? i must have made some kind of face that expressed that confusion because he said "oh, i'm an orthopedist"
"oh,"  i say. and he just keeps asking me all these questions, walking very slowly next to me. is it stiff when you wake up? does it hurt on the inside and the outside? is it tender to the touch? can you walk up the stairs? have you ever injured your knee before? and i answer all his questions and he nods and says "good, good" in a very serious way, with his brow furrowed and touching his chin and everything.
then he says "it's too cold out here and i need to show you some stretches. so we walked into a college building across from my office (harry s. truman college, if you were curious) and in a stairwell he poked at my knee, bent my leg around, made me walk up and down the stairs, stretched my leg and then had me walk up and down them again. basically this is the weirdest, most random dr's appt ever, happening for free, off the street. oh and also he had sunglasses on the whole time. he seemed very happy about the progress my leg was making and seemed to think i would be fine. and then after this total stranger has been squeezing my knee and teaching me leg stretches, we shake hands and part ways. and all the time i've got a pink carnation in my goddamn lapel and all and am half asleep from dancing on my fucked up knee to New Order with the ballerinas until 4 in the morning.

which is exactly why i shouldn't be a business man. i think perhaps i was just meant to be professionally odd and do weird things and meet orthopedists on the street.

i am at work sneaking in some lj. i was just sitting here, leaving rocky a comment, and all of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks: i am happy. i am really happy! not all the time but right now, the last few days even, i'm happy! this may not seem like breaking news but i had pretty much forgotten what this felt like and wasn't expecting to feel it again. but here i am! why so happy, you ask? allow me to elaborate:

my friends in chicago are wonderful and i love them  and angelina and i go shopping and she helps me pick out sweaters and ali and i line up 12 paper boats on the bar at the grafton and tanya and rocky and i sit on pillows on the floor and eat curry and jenny calls me ryry and she who shall for now remain nameless holds my hand in the back of the cab and says don't kiss me yet i'm too nervous and touches my hair and i sleep in the sunroom and 3 people and a big orange cat in a 1 bedroom somehow feels like more than enough room and it's sooo cold but the snow is so pretty and i went to ann arbor for thanksgiving and angie and i were "look out these guys inc." and gina n. and i snuck away from the party to go to an embarrassing dance club for only one drink and like 3 songs and katy shay gave me weird mushroom soup at seva and i loved her anyway. and i'm not afraid anymore and i can eat again and i can see it clear as day now and i don't feel sad anymore.

been here for a few days now. glad my job starts tomorrow because right now i feel kind of weird and unmoored and like i have no idea what i'm doing here. part of me wants to pack up and high tail it back to new york on the next plane.

bad dreams that make me wake up broken hearted. '
all these hands
and not a damn thing to do with them.
how much lonnger
shoveling water?


it's a hard day. i guess all i can do is keep trying.

 in ohio now and it is snowing. snowed last night when my mom and i were driving through pennsylvania and, as i texted leah, for some reason it felt like the first time i had ever seen snow. we wanted to drive all through the night to cleveland but we didn't make it: ended up in a motel 6 with squashington crying all night. 

yesterday we packed up the uhaul. mainly emily elert and i ran up and down the stairs for four hours while my mom watched the truck. then my mom and i had dinner with laura and leah at maggie brown's before we hit the road. leah insisted on picking up the check. she is my old man friend and i love her. and laura is sweetness and i love her. they came with me when i got the last of my stuff from the apartment. locking the door for the last time was so hard. good bye 129 washington; i entered you with such amazing plans and hopes and left you with such disappointment. 

today drove all morning to get here. two days in a row of loading and unloading using multiple flights of stairs = my thighs are angry. 

sucked to say good bye to kate. we're still talking. who the hell knows. 

headed to chicago tomorrow. new life here i come. i have big plans. watch out mother fuckers, here i come. 

had a good time at fedora's last night. my camera is no more but leah took a bunch of pictures which i stole from facebook and put on flickr. 

mostly packed up. still can't believe i'm really moving. life is crazy. 

last day at 3 rings todays. it's a sad affair. i'll miss the hell out of these guys. they really were like a family to me.

don't forget: no more @3ringsmedia.com email after 5 today and my phone number is different now. contact me if you need it .

hoping to be on the road tuesday morning latest. hope i see all you nycers at fedora's tomorrow and maybe even tonight.

here i go. jesus christ, here i go.

fairly eventful weekend. friday i had dinner with emily at pequena, delicious as always. then hung out with kate. we had a nice brunch on saturday and then i half-assedly did some packing. didn't make nearly enough progress. then ethan and i met up at half king for a beer. then we went to erin and tim's for some amazing spare ribs. that boy can cook! kate met ethan and i there and the 3 of us went to a party in battery park city. somewhere in there i lost my bag which had my jacket, camera, moleskine city notebook and probably some other stuff in it. so far it has not been located at the apartment where the party was, at tim and erin's or at the half king. meaning i probably left it in the cab ethan, kate, and i took to the party, although really i find that hard to believe. i'm sad about the bag itself and the camera of course but really saddest about my awesome old man jacket from van boven. if anyone decent found it they could easily contact me: my name, email, everything, is in my city notebook and there were probably some business cards floating around too. but it's been two days so.... wah.

not nearly where i should be in the moving progress. waiting on some boxes from usedcardboardboxes.com. it's been hard to decide what to keep and what to leave. a lot of things are perfectly good and i'll need them, like plates and stuff, but i kind of don't want to bring them into my new life. i need a clean slate; i don't want to eat off my past.

my laptop died so i have no computer at home which is really sucking ass. all my books are packed. i don't have a tv. or a cd player. my ipod is in chicago. my only home media is now mix tapes and npr.

i officially invite anyone interested to come keep me company while i pack. all you have to do is drink the beer i get you and talk to me, and maybe ocassionally pass me some tape.

Busy, busy, busy. I've been non-stop for a week. I haven't slept for more than 4 hours at a go since Sunday. Tomorrow I plan to stay in bed until a ridiculous hour.

Went to go see the Ibsen play Master Builder with Kate last night. Her aunt was in it (she played Aline) and afterwards we got a drink and she told us crazy stories about being in plays with alcoholics who forget their lines and fall down the stairs.

Leaving time is rapidly approaching and I'm really not prepared. Still so much to pack, still so much to get rid of, so many little details to work out. I'm leaving some really amazing things and people and potentials behind and it's getting me down a little. Still, I have to believe this is the right thing for me right now and keep moving forward. And I have to remind myself how lucky I am to have had two amazing options.

The Uhaul will be procured next Sunday. I'll be around for a couple more days but my mom will be here and I'll be packing and spackling and generally insane. So next Saturday, the 15th, I'd love to see all of my lovely New Yorkers at my favorite NYC haunt, Fedora's on West 4th between 10th and Charles at 8 o'clock and then, after a couple, head to Brooklyn to seek our fortunes in bars and apartments.

I accidentally called my boss Dave "mom" yesterday