for those of you who don't know, i'm moving back to new york. last week was my last at see3 and i'm taking most of february for a much needed vacation. i am in ann arbor right now and having an incredible time. so incredible i've extended my stay by 4 extra days. it's going to be very hard to leave. the past few days have been like some alternate universe filled with unexpected experiences and the reassurance that parts of me i thought were broken actually work just fine. but soon i'll be back in chicago, getting to spend some much needed time with the people i love before i head back to the east coast and that will be its own bliss. 

 i'm a bit of a train wreck. the only thing that varies is whether or not i'm enjoying being a train wreck. at this moment, i'm not. in the coming moments, perhaps i will be. 

everything is so tenuous all the time. life feels like a slim metal rod, like a monkey bar, and balanced delicately across its length are several colored glasses. so delicately are they balanced that they rock slightly, threatening to tip. fall. break. and all of life's little inconveniences and slights (my injured knee, my lost credit card, the way timing is stupid, the detritus of my old life that keeps washing up)  are ball bearings put into the glasses, dangerously upsetting the balance.

still, i try to focus on all the good things, the lucky things. mainly that means the people who have been so good to me. or the things that could be worse that aren't. 

i can't believe christmas is next week. i have absolutely no feelings about it at all.

is it very, very cold in the city? it is very, very cold in chicago and the sidewalks are shiny with ice. a ryan with a busted knee has to slide around with the utmost caution lest he bust his knee all the more! actually though...

 today i was walking back to work from the bank, verrrrrryyyy slooowwwwly, limping at about .1 miles per hour, and this man is walking next to me and he says
"what did you do?"
and i said "oh i sprained my knee or something doing somersaults."
and he said "when did you do it?"
"a week ago saturday," i said.
"do you feel it's improved since saturday?"
"yes..." i say, and am starting to be like, who the hell is this guy who is know walking at the same crawling pace as me so he can ask me about my knee? i must have made some kind of face that expressed that confusion because he said "oh, i'm an orthopedist"
"oh,"  i say. and he just keeps asking me all these questions, walking very slowly next to me. is it stiff when you wake up? does it hurt on the inside and the outside? is it tender to the touch? can you walk up the stairs? have you ever injured your knee before? and i answer all his questions and he nods and says "good, good" in a very serious way, with his brow furrowed and touching his chin and everything.
then he says "it's too cold out here and i need to show you some stretches. so we walked into a college building across from my office (harry s. truman college, if you were curious) and in a stairwell he poked at my knee, bent my leg around, made me walk up and down the stairs, stretched my leg and then had me walk up and down them again. basically this is the weirdest, most random dr's appt ever, happening for free, off the street. oh and also he had sunglasses on the whole time. he seemed very happy about the progress my leg was making and seemed to think i would be fine. and then after this total stranger has been squeezing my knee and teaching me leg stretches, we shake hands and part ways. and all the time i've got a pink carnation in my goddamn lapel and all and am half asleep from dancing on my fucked up knee to New Order with the ballerinas until 4 in the morning.

which is exactly why i shouldn't be a business man. i think perhaps i was just meant to be professionally odd and do weird things and meet orthopedists on the street.

i am at work sneaking in some lj. i was just sitting here, leaving rocky a comment, and all of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks: i am happy. i am really happy! not all the time but right now, the last few days even, i'm happy! this may not seem like breaking news but i had pretty much forgotten what this felt like and wasn't expecting to feel it again. but here i am! why so happy, you ask? allow me to elaborate:

my friends in chicago are wonderful and i love them  and angelina and i go shopping and she helps me pick out sweaters and ali and i line up 12 paper boats on the bar at the grafton and tanya and rocky and i sit on pillows on the floor and eat curry and jenny calls me ryry and she who shall for now remain nameless holds my hand in the back of the cab and says don't kiss me yet i'm too nervous and touches my hair and i sleep in the sunroom and 3 people and a big orange cat in a 1 bedroom somehow feels like more than enough room and it's sooo cold but the snow is so pretty and i went to ann arbor for thanksgiving and angie and i were "look out these guys inc." and gina neshewat and i snuck away from the party to go to an embarrassing dance club for only one drink and like 3 songs and katy shay gave me weird mushroom soup at seva and i loved her anyway. and i'm not afraid anymore and i can eat again and i can see it clear as day now and i don't feel sad anymore.

been here for a few days now. glad my job starts tomorrow because right now i feel kind of weird and unmoored and like i have no idea what i'm doing here. part of me wants to pack up and high tail it back to new york on the next plane.

bad dreams that make me wake up broken hearted. '
all these hands
and not a damn thing to do with them.
how much lonnger
shoveling water?


it's a hard day. i guess all i can do is keep trying.

 in ohio now and it is snowing. snowed last night when my mom and i were driving through pennsylvania and, as i texted leah, for some reason it felt like the first time i had ever seen snow. we wanted to drive all through the night to cleveland but we didn't make it: ended up in a motel 6 with squashington crying all night. 

yesterday we packed up the uhaul. mainly emily elert and i ran up and down the stairs for four hours while my mom watched the truck. then my mom and i had dinner with laura and leah at maggie brown's before we hit the road. leah insisted on picking up the check. she is my old man friend and i love her. and laura is sweetness and i love her. they came with me when i got the last of my stuff from the apartment. locking the door for the last time was so hard. good bye 129 washington; i entered you with such amazing plans and hopes and left you with such disappointment. 

today drove all morning to get here. two days in a row of loading and unloading using multiple flights of stairs = my thighs are angry. 

sucked to say good bye to kate. we're still talking. who the hell knows. 

headed to chicago tomorrow. new life here i come. i have big plans. watch out mother fuckers, here i come. 

had a good time at fedora's last night. my camera is no more but leah took a bunch of pictures which i stole from facebook and put on flickr. 

mostly packed up. still can't believe i'm really moving. life is crazy. 

last day at 3 rings todays. it's a sad affair. i'll miss the hell out of these guys. they really were like a family to me.

don't forget: no more @3ringsmedia.com email after 5 today and my phone number is different now. contact me if you need it .

hoping to be on the road tuesday morning latest. hope i see all you nycers at fedora's tomorrow and maybe even tonight.

here i go. jesus christ, here i go.

fairly eventful weekend. friday i had dinner with emily at pequena, delicious as always. then hung out with kate. we had a nice brunch on saturday and then i half-assedly did some packing. didn't make nearly enough progress. then ethan and i met up at half king for a beer. then we went to erin and tim's for some amazing spare ribs. that boy can cook! kate met ethan and i there and the 3 of us went to a party in battery park city. somewhere in there i lost my bag which had my jacket, camera, moleskine city notebook and probably some other stuff in it. so far it has not been located at the apartment where the party was, at tim and erin's or at the half king. meaning i probably left it in the cab ethan, kate, and i took to the party, although really i find that hard to believe. i'm sad about the bag itself and the camera of course but really saddest about my awesome old man jacket from van boven. if anyone decent found it they could easily contact me: my name, email, everything, is in my city notebook and there were probably some business cards floating around too. but it's been two days so.... wah.

not nearly where i should be in the moving progress. waiting on some boxes from usedcardboardboxes.com. it's been hard to decide what to keep and what to leave. a lot of things are perfectly good and i'll need them, like plates and stuff, but i kind of don't want to bring them into my new life. i need a clean slate; i don't want to eat off my past.

my laptop died so i have no computer at home which is really sucking ass. all my books are packed. i don't have a tv. or a cd player. my ipod is in chicago. my only home media is now mix tapes and npr.

i officially invite anyone interested to come keep me company while i pack. all you have to do is drink the beer i get you and talk to me, and maybe ocassionally pass me some tape.

Busy, busy, busy. I've been non-stop for a week. I haven't slept for more than 4 hours at a go since Sunday. Tomorrow I plan to stay in bed until a ridiculous hour.

Went to go see the Ibsen play Master Builder with Kate last night. Her aunt was in it (she played Aline) and afterwards we got a drink and she told us crazy stories about being in plays with alcoholics who forget their lines and fall down the stairs.

Leaving time is rapidly approaching and I'm really not prepared. Still so much to pack, still so much to get rid of, so many little details to work out. I'm leaving some really amazing things and people and potentials behind and it's getting me down a little. Still, I have to believe this is the right thing for me right now and keep moving forward. And I have to remind myself how lucky I am to have had two amazing options.

The Uhaul will be procured next Sunday. I'll be around for a couple more days but my mom will be here and I'll be packing and spackling and generally insane. So next Saturday, the 15th, I'd love to see all of my lovely New Yorkers at my favorite NYC haunt, Fedora's on West 4th between 10th and Charles at 8 o'clock and then, after a couple, head to Brooklyn to seek our fortunes in bars and apartments.

I accidentally called my boss Dave "mom" yesterday

for any one who doesn't know already, i'm moving to chicago in 3 weeks. i have a new job working for these guys. it wasn't an easy choice: i love new york and am going to miss it a lot and i'm going to miss the great friends i've made here. giving notice to my bosses here was terrible. they're truly the greatest people i've ever worked for. i'll be damn lucky if the people i work with next are half as awesome. but things here have gotten too complicated and painful and i need a new start.

rocky was in town last week which was awesome. i'm going to be staying with him and tanya in edgewater while i get myself on my feet.

saturday i had what was originally billed as a housewarming but i guess was really an early going away party. it was a blast but kind of bittersweet. rocky and i built a "wundertent" complete with farm house, 19 min and 31 seconds of audio we recorded that day, and parachute men. we also gave party-goers the chance to name jess's new dog. i think the winners were crinolin and benson n. hedges. we'll have to wait to hear the final results from jess, who has been sent the list. you can see party pictures here.

squashington is illin. had to take him to the vet yesterday. he hasn't been eating well and there's a weird, scabby patch on his neck that won't go away. they had to do a skin scrape to make sure he didn't have a parasite, which he didn't. the vet thinks it's just stress, poor little guy. he's been through a lot of change and there is more to come. i have to give him some medicine and if it doesn't work they're going to have to give him a shot. the vet and vet tech did spend the whole time ooing and ahhing over what a beautiful and sweet cat he was. for the curious, my boy weighs in at 17.2 pounds. hoss!

so i only have a couple weekends left here in gotham. i hope i can see all you new york people a bunch before i go. i'm gonna miss you guys.

the last week has been very strange and is getting stranger. there have been some terrible things and some amazing things. i saved someone's life, how about that? i did a terrible thing, how about that?

tectonic shifts are taking place and i am trying to understand how all the goodness and the badness are possible at the same time. i am trying to keep my head on straight.

well fuck.

Went to the Banksy thing last night and Pat and Dave came with me. It was unbelievable. The animatronics were breathtakingly lifelike (even for the things that shouldn't be alive, like hot dogs and chicken nuggets). The monkey had crazily subtle and natural movements, so life-like it was down-right eerie and hard to believe it wasn't real. The message of the piece was very clear and accessible without beating you over the head. I'll definitely be going back.

( Here's some pictures. )

i'm going by tonight (and anticipate wanting to go back 99 times).

i am brainstorming ways to make extra money before the holidays come. so far i've applied for a handful of weird jobs i could do in addition to my 3 rings stuff, mainly research and copy writing stuff i could do telecommuting but also writing funny horoscopes, working at a wine shop... we'll see.

i can't wait for next week: rocky is going to come visit. i'm sure there are a lot of people out there who are excited to meet the man behind the myth since i talk about him so much. now is your chance.

My mom has been here this week which has been awesome. She leaves today, leaving in her wake an over-stuffed fridge and a dust-free environment.

It's been a full week. Leah came over Wednesday for dinner and to help me assemble my new table and chairs. Friday my mom and I had dinner with our friend Cathy. Chemo has made all her hair fall out but she is actually doing really, really well: still has energy and a good appetite. Then I went to the I Heart Brooklyn Girls calendar release party with Leah, Laura, Erin Markey, Sophia and a frat boy whose name I don't remember. Much drunkenness and fun ensued. Saturday I took my mom's dog for a long walk, got an awesome end table at salvation army, and then played cards with friends. Yesterday mom and I went to go visit Laura at work (Le Parker Meridian) where she hooked it up big time with sandwiches and martinis and espresso. Then later she joined us for dinner.

My job has proved to be awesome once again; last night my boss Dave called me and said "I was just on the phone with Pat (other boss) and we were talking about what a lovely evening it was and what a lovely day it's going to be tomorrow and how it would be even lovelier if we all worked from home tomorrow." And how.

Anybody have plans for the final debate on Wed.?

didn't get many pictures last weekend. i forgot my camera and then forgot to use my phone camera most of the time because i was too busy loving my friends guts. but here are some from jenny's birthday


First, we went to Hooters because Jenny loves wings



everyone was dissapointed by the lack of sizeable hooters



(actually that's just the face ali likes to make when i take her picture. i could do some sort of retrospective featuring pictures with this face).

Then we went to a karaoke bar that was fucking packed. Luckily someone else had reserved the back for their birthday and not shown up.







I have no idea why Als was giving me the finger. Especially the pointer finger.

Wish I had more but I don't. Jenny is supposed to send me hers though so we shall see.

i am feeling more sane. there are still a lot of things up in the air but time keeps going and pulling me along with it. some days are better than others.

i got a new table and it looks like this:

So my bank collapsed last night. Good old Washington Mutual. We all saw it coming. Chase is buying them out and for someone as small potatoes as me it doesn't make a lick of difference. However jesus fuck we are screwed. I was readind the wikipedia article on the 1929 crash while following the bailout coverage. Some key things from wikipedia about that scared the shot out of me:
"At the time of the crash, New York City had grown to be a major metropolis, and its Wall Street district was one of the world's leading financial centers.The New York Stock Exchange (NYSE) was the largest stock market in the world. The [era] was a time of prosperity and excess in the city, and despite warnings against speculation, many believed that the market could sustain high price levels."

Huh, ok. Scary enough. Then I read

"In the days leading up to Black Tuesday, the market was severely unstable. Periods of selling and high volumes of trading were interspersed with brief periods of rising prices and recovery. Economist and author Jude Wanniski later correlated these swings with the prospects for passage of the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act, which was then being debated in Congress."

And, as I said, I'd been following the bailout, had a Google news search of "700 Billion Bailout" up, sorted by date, and I shit you not, I read that part, go and refresh and see " U.S. Stocks Rally on Speculation Bank Bailout Will Be Approved"

Then, last night, my bank goes under. This morning when I get to work I have the the most hilarious combination in my inbox. Read from bottom to top please, in order of time:





Yeah. The holidays start today! The permanenet holidays for all your employees! Woo hoo! Look how happy everyone is about us going under!





See you in the breadline...